Writer’s Block

I think I need to explain why I was absent the last 2 weeks, completely throwing one of my 2019 NYE Resolutions out the window like some old trash (Please don’t think I throw trash out my window. That would make me a terrible person). I was absent the last 2 weeks from writing because, one, we had a lot going on and adding the pressure of writing something here that was meaningful felt like a chore, and, two, if I’m being completely honest, I wasn’t that inspired. I guess that would be what writers call “Writer’s Block.”

The last 3 weeks have gone a little something like this: good food, good water, good workout, great weigh ins all week that I can’t wait to share with you everything I’ve accomplished. Then Friday comes along and, “oh farts, how in the world did I gain X amount of weight overnight?” This “oh farts” moment would follow a day where I worked out and ate great. On the other hand, there would be weigh ins following days that maybe I didn’t workout and I’d lose weight? Which, once again, makes me a puppy running in circles not knowing what to do. Do you know what the worst part is? The last 3 weeks I’ve felt like there was a shift in me, like a lightbulb had gone off. I felt like I was getting the hang of this “less stress” lifestyle and finally calming the F down even in a time when there was, in fact, a lot going on. It even got to the point where earlier this week I was not only excited to tell you all about it, but also inspired. So I started to write…it went little something like this. HIT IT….

The last 2 weeks have been cray. Like cray, cray.

2 weeks ago Kevin and I celebrated our engagement with close friends and family. Then this last week we tried to pack up 2 completely whole individual adult lives into some boxes so that we can finally fulfill a lifelong dream of both of ours, moving closer to the ocean. Man, it took a lot out of me and I didn’t want to try and force a weekly post knowing in the back of my head that I didn’t have it in me, and I didn’t have the inspiration that I normally find. So, in keeping with my 2019 NYE Resolution, I took the pressure off and just didn’t. You know when they say “I literally just cannot”? Well, I literally just could not.

Moving forward I am going to use what I learned the last 2 weeks and if I can’t, I won’t. I don’t want to force something out to you guys because then there is no heart, and there will certainly be no humor. Without heart and humor I am just flesh, bones, and cellulite. I’d be as useful as Lindsay Lohan is to TV right now, useless. No offense Lindsay, but I’d say your days of entertainment outside of a MEME are over. I’d say time to audition for Celebrity Big Brother, but your Mom already beat you to that.

Today, though, is different. I’ve felt something in the last couple weeks that has been on a slow simmer. Then this week I had a check up with my doc and as we talked through how things were progressing something inside clicked. The cartoon lightbulb appeared. The good news is, I wasn’t the only one who saw it, so did my Doctor. She looked me right in the eye and said “I think its time to run tests again to confirm.” This is literally the only test I’ve ever been excited to take.

So what changed? What made the light turn on inside? I don’t know, but if I can make it through the last 2 weeks without murdering anyone I think we are on to something.

First, I’ve decided I need to handle stressful situations at work and home differently. I need to take a step back and look at it from all angles and figure out the different options available to me for results. Usually I would just react, which usually manifests itself in the form of a good ol’ fashioned, Italian freak out, then have clarity after I stomped my feet like my niece when I take away her Barbie doll. For a 5 year old thats OK, for a 35 year old, grow up.

Second, I was stressed about finding my destresser. That is ridiculous. I am already a planner that plans to make plans, I can’t also be a stresser that stresses about destressing. That is too long of a resume. So why was I stressing? I have been trying to figure out what it was that helps me to really “zen out” and bring me inner peace. Here is what I came up with- traveling, massages/spa days, hanging out with my friends, shopping, and cooking. All of those are going to leave me fat and broke. I am very jealous of the men out of there that go fishing. I wish I had anything inside me that found that enjoyable. To me it sounds as enjoyable as watching paint dry. People have advised that I should meditate. At first I tried it in the AM right when I walked into work, but I am so ready to start my day that I usually press completed on my iPhone reminder and moved on. Then I tried to fit it into my day at some other time. Cut to 10PM and its bed time. You know what the only thing is that gets me to stop thinking? You know what my “fishing” may actually be? Either a good Netflix and Chill OR working out. So I will stick to Naps, Netflix, and a clever workout that starts with the letter N (I googled it and didn’t find anything).

Third, like my 2019 NYE Resolution, I’ve taken the pressure off myself to lose weight. My motto has been “Status Quo and Go.” Meaning that if I am in a place right now that I won’t be able to lose weight, then why am I beating myself up so much trying to succeed in an impossible task? Instead just fight to keep everything as you are now. I think that is helping. I keep my regularly scheduled program- tons of water, exercise 5 days a week, eat healthy, and only choose vices in moderation- unless that vice is Justin Timberlake than you always go overboard.

Fourth, I need to stop multitasking so hardcore. Stick to one thing and complete it. I always thought my multitasking was something to be proud of. I wore it like a badge of honor. I always found it quite funny that Kevin can never multitask, but I can juggle four things at one time. Look at me over here spinning 4 plates on sticks while you just bounce one ball! Haha. I am the best. Nope, fail. It is said that when you multitask you never actually efficiently and effectively finish each task. So get in line “Things to Do” we are taking you in one at a time. NO CROWDING!

… see! I thought I had it all figured out. Silly Laura.  

Just as I wrote above, early next week I get to retest with my doctor. I don’t know what I am more afraid of? Finding out my cortisone and cortisol levels are fixed but I am still not able to lose weight? Or have I not done enough to actually shift my levels and now I need to change my entire lifestyle and personality? I know that’s a crazy fear, but that’s what I am worried about deep down in my gut.  This fear sits chickpea pasta adjacent.  

So I don’t have it together and I don’t know what to do.  Hence me being a puppy running around in a circle.  Hopefully there will be a break in this circle soon so I can get some clarity and better directions.  

This week there will be no “Mia Bella Lotta’s Call to Action.” I don’t really feel like preaching right now. Here is a promise, I can see the correlation between me not posting and my progress. I need and thrive with accountability.  So instead of me forcing a post each week for you all, on the weeks I don’t feel inspired or I don’t have the time to write my poetic justice, I am going to write and/or post about products, services, or things I like that week/things that are helping me. This will be another layer added to my fight- the tools that are in my corner. I hope you enjoy.

WEIGH IN/MEASUREMENTS: 158.8 LBS, Chest 36.5, Under Boob 30, Belly Button 31.75, Below Hips 38, Largest Part of Butt 41.25.

SONG OF THE WEEK: “Rain on our Parade” by Duffy

I pity the fools who believe in you
Cause I know someday now they’ll see your colors too
And if you see a smile besides my face, no, I’m doing good now
Since you’ve been erased
Cause I know in time you’ll see what you did to me
And you’ll come running back
 
I’m gonna rain on your parade, no, I won’t take it again
And I’ll keep raining, raining, raining over you

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