One of the worst experiences is when you have that feeling that you are all alone. Complete solitude and darkness. The feeling that you are walking through a field/forest/desert and coming to the conclusion at that moment that it is all up to you, and only you, to figure this shit out. You can scream, you can shout, but you are the only one that will respond. That is a feeling I’ve known too well during this journey. I could be standing in the middle of a city with a million people surrounding me, and still I can feel like I am the only person there thinking, “does anyone out there even care?”
I’ve had this feeling of loneliness in many different aspects of my life- work, health, and in my personal life, but last week I’ve never felt more alone. At that moment when I stood on that scale naked in the bathroom realizing that this wasn’t working, there was no one there. What or who did I expect? I looked in the mirror at that unfamiliar image and came to the conclusion that it was all up to me. It was no one else’s responsibility.
I tend to internalize a lot. I grew up being the girl that complained about everything with my girlfriends. It didn’t matter how insignificant it was- I talked my friends’ ears off about it completely disregarding that they may have their own issues to share. I was completely oblivious to my actions most of the time. You’d think someone engraving “conceited” on my locker freshman year of high school would have given me a wake up call, but nope, I was too dense. My Mom joked that I should put a “Suggestion Box” on my locker, and made me laugh it off. All I did was change my AOL screen name (wow, I am dating my age here, huh?) to Conceited637 and moved on.
It wasn’t until years later that I finally saw who I was to so many people. I am ashamed to say that I was well into my 20’s when this happened. One day one of my best friends who, God bless her, always lent me an ear and sage advice, finally said to me, “Lo, I can’t right now. I have my own things going on right now and I can’t do this.” Ahhhh, say what? This is the part in the cartoon when the music stops and the light bulb appears. I had a realization that I have made it all about me and for way too long.
Since that moment, I’ve tried to take into consideration that I am not the center of the universe and other people have their own burdens and crosses they bear, so don’t burden them with your own. I know, gasp! How dare other people have things…. So now, sometimes to a fault, I keep it inside and try to wrestle over things all on my own. Resulting in my feeling alone.
So now back to the present. I’m naked and afraid and there is no one at the end of this who’s going to give me the grand prize of free, round trip airfare to the destination of my choice (seriously, thats what the people win on the show Naked & Afraid, look it up). The only prize I get is me. How do I do it alone? I needed help.
Here’s the thing, when you are at the moment… when you are at rock bottom, and you’ve gotten through the self-loathing portion of the day, you look around you and realize you are, in fact, not alone at all. You never were. Friends and support starting pouring through every crack of my life- social media, texts messages, phone calls. There were friends who could relate to exactly what I was going through, even if it wasn’t just weight loss. There were friends who wanted to give me words of encouragement and strength, a shoulder to lean on if needed. Friends and family who asked questions and wanted more information… and then, best of all, there were the friends who wanted to help and take on this climb with you.
I have a village, a tribe. So thank you to my tribe. You know who you are. I apologize for ever thinking I was alone. Thats crazy sauce. I, once again, was so consumed in myself that I blinded myself to my tribe members shouting at me and ready to catch me.
So followers.. I challenge you. When you fell alone, when you feel that sense of solitude, when you are completely lost…. take a step back and look around. See that there is someone who deeply cares about you, and if for some reason you don’t see that person- I will be that person. I will be a part of your tribe, your wolf-pack, whatever you want to call it.
Just so you know, I do. I care.
Friday Weigh-In & Measurements: Weight 160LBS, Chest 37.25, Under Boobs 30.75, Belly Button 33.5, Below Hips 38.75, Largest Part of Butt 42.
Song of the day: “Those You’ve Known” on the Springs Awakening Soundtrack
Those you’ve known and lost still walk behind you
All alone, they linger till they find you
Without them, the world grows dark around you
And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you